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Crackbook  er…Facebook has been eye opening for me weight loss wise. It’s been a struggle actually.

If you follow me on facebook then you know that I rarely post anything other than a face shot… unless someone is blocking me!

The reason for this? I used to be skinny. And when I was skinny? I thought I was fat. (Like the photo there? I was about 140 and I almost refused to take that photo for my Sr. Portrait because I was too fat!)


I love facebook. Mostly because I’ve reconnected with so many friends from right after high school. (I’ve often said that the best time of my life before becoming a mom was the years I worked at Summer Camp, so finding those people has been a dream come true!)

But I’m embarassed. Horrified that the girl they knew, the “Fat Girl” who weighed 140, 150, eep! Even 160 was now really, truly a FAT GIRL!

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Today I was “Friended” by a girl who had been one of my best friends the two years after high school. (My Pre-Colorado years; before I gained all my weight!) I was looking at her photo album and I found myslef in awe. I remember when she was the Fat Girl in our group… when she joined Weight Watchers (which apparently, it worked for her!) and I was ashamed of myself for how I’d thought she used to be so overweight.

Now? I’m thinking to myself “Geez, I wish I could get to where she was when she was fat!! At that point? I’d be thin!”

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m finding facebook inspiring. It’s making me want to push on with my weight loss. Be a better person. Be the me I used to be.

Maybe then I can go to a reunion with my old friends!

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Photobucket Let me begin by apologizing. This very well could turn into a rather long rant entry.

This morning I came to the realization of why I eat the way I do. Essentially? Rebellion. Stubborness.  But let’s jump right in, shall we?

My husband and I get along great. We truly are best of friends. Most couples fight about money, not us. (Not really anyway.) We fight over food. Lately? Turkey Sandwiches.

I love Turkey Sandwiches. They are probably my second favorite food in the world. (Behind Taco’s!) My husband also loves turkey sandwiches. But… that’s where the similarities stop. (I know you’re scratching your head and wondering how the hell this matters to anything at all! Well, in fact. I have discovered that I believe it actually contributes a lot to my weight gain and my slow weight loss. Not the turkey sandwich exactly. But the principal behind it.)

Back to our fight over the turkey sandwiches.

(more…)

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I have a confession to make.

I asked my husband to help me to make better choices. To keep me from the crap, really.

The last two days though? I’ve been snacking, without telling him.

Yesterday, I had two little debbie snacks. Let me tell you, Little Debbie does not eat those things and stay little.

Today? McDonald’s. Two Cheeseburgers. And a small fry.

So… I fessed up to him. Also, let me tell you. I counted every bite. And; I didn’t go over on calories!! So, technically? It’s still a win. But… it’s a HORRIBLE habit. And it needs to stop. NOW.

So my small victory? I almost went and bought a Snickers bar tonight.

Instead? I’m posting this log entry.

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Before I jump into the real entry here… I lost this week!! (5.4 pounds, so I’m back down 2.4 from my starting weight!!)

Now… for the REAL entry.

2 years ago, right after my Hubby had lost all his weight and I had finished gaining all mine *eye roll* my father in law took us fishing in Canada. It was the best vacation of my life. Hands Down. But… I was about 260 pounds, and absolutely miserable and embarrassed for a lot of the vacation. Rather than having fun, I was worried about what everyone thought of my skinny husband and his fat wife.

Last night, my father in law invited us to go on the trip again this year!! (He goes annually and always takes someone different with him. So to get to go a second time, so soon is VERY rare!!) But this time? I’m determined to be under 200 pounds! (For the first time since 2002!!!) So that I can better enjoy myself! And maybe… just maybe, I’ll even wear shorts! And an added motivator? The trip will be on the 12 anniversary of Hubby and My first date!!! (What better time to show off his new hot wife??

So wish me luck!! Below 200 by June 5!!

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I am so focused on goals and numbers it seems. I suppose that’s the way it is with any “diet”. (Must keep reminding myself, this is NOT a diet, but my new way of life. Lifestyle. Not Diet.) But I’ve never really talked about why I NEED to change my life.
Biker Babe
First and foremost is my beautiful little girl.

She is only 6 1/2 months old. Beautiful and impressionable. I know I got my love for junk food and constant snacking from the house where I was raised. (I love my parents dearly, but I know that the constant supply of Little Debbie Snack Cakes and Cookies helped me to set HORRIBLE habits that I still follow today.)

I want better for her. I don’t want her to EVER face the challenges that I’ve faced. I don’t want her to hate herself the way I have. I don’t want her to base her life around her weight. So, I will lose this weight for her.
Two Hundred Thirty Five
Second on the list is my Father. See, I’m a Daddy’s girl. I always have been and always will be.

The day I got the phone call that my dad had suffered a massive heart attack was possibly the worst day of my entire life. He was in his mid 40’s and up until then I’d always kind of figured him to be invincible.

They told us he wouldn’t live through the weekend. There was nothing they could do.

We got a miracle. A second opinion, a Mechanical Heart and a transplant all within six months. I get to keep my daddy. For now. But I also live with the knowledge that I have his genes. (His sister had her first heart attack in her 30’s, and his dad passed away at 50 of a massive coronary.) So, I will lose this weight for my Dad, for my health.

Two Hundred Thirty SixMy kid sister is 7 years younger than me. Yet somehow, we’ve grown incredibly close over the years. (I attribute that in part to my dad’s trials.)

She has always battled with her weight.

She is also very impressionable. (Sorry Kid, but even now that you’re grown up and off in college… still impressionable!) So it is my hope that if I do this. If I really lose this weight. She will follow. After all, she has the same messed up genes as I do. Besides, I want her to have a chance to enjoy life and not have the same battles I’ve had. I feel like I lost my 20’s to being fat, I don’t want her to do the same. So, I will lose this weight for my Kid Sister.
Seventy One
I feel bad that this is ranking #4 on the list, but it’s really not in any order. I promise.

My husband is a wonderful (and incredibly attractive) man. He inspires me in so many ways, pushes me to be a little bit better every day.

He deserves a wife he’d be proud to show off. (While I know he loves me as I am, I also know that he is missing out on all the fun parts of marriage… like shopping at Victorias Secret for Valentines Day! Yep, he’s missing out on spoiling me with expensive panties *lol* )

He deserves a wife who doesn’t want to crawl under a rock and hide from life. A wife who likes to be active with him, go skiing and for bike rides.

So, I am going to lose this weight for him. For my husband. For my best friend.

Ninety Five
And now, I’m doing as I always do. Putting myself last. Because my inner fat girl can’t put me first.

I want to lose this weight for so many reasons. I want to be able to enjoy the mountains (that photo was taken less than 30 miles from my house) and not hide in my car as I drive through them.

I want to stand in front of the camera (which regardless that all these photos of me exist, I HATE being in front of the camera).

I want to have the energy to do all the “active” things I want to do.

So, in closing, I am going to lose this weight for me.

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I’m realizing that sometimes, the people who love us the most and have the best intentions for us are those that influence our “healthy” choices in a negative way. At least in my case they are. And these past few days have made that VERY obvious.

We “live” 600 miles away from our parents. (I put quotations around live, being that we are only actually home for about a week a month right now given our occupation as Truck Drivers.) So we rarely get to see them, but when we do get back to our hometown they like to show us how much they love us. And just how do they do that? I wish I could say they shower us with expensive gifts (I could really use an iPod for my new exercise hobby!) but they don’t. They take us to local restaurants. (If you’ve never spent much time in Nebraska, you are really missing out when it comes to horrible, bad for you, food!!! Like Runza, Valentino’s and Amigo’s. You really REALLY should try it.)

Needless to say, I’ve been in town less than 24 hours and I’ve eaten at two of those places. (And then my favorite Sports Bar also… where I met up with my kid sister, and drank my share of beer.)

Which brings me to my wonderful husband. He likes beer. And, as a truck driver very rarely gets it. So, when we have a night where we aren’t in the truck and have a baby sitter for our little one… we go out. And boy oh boy do we enjoy ourselves. Somehow, the man lost over 100 pounds and still drinks his beer.

So, I haven’t been perfect. And I’ve had a battle in my mind. I’ve thought about starting over fresh. Not counting these few days. After all, we’re leaving tomorrow and won’t have a day off for almost a month. Which cuts temptation greatly. But, in thinking about it that’s how and why I’ve always failed in the past.

So, I counted my points for all this junk. It’s not pretty. But, I’m holding myself accountable for it. And, I’m trying to make other healthy decisions. Like exercise. I went for a 40 minute walk yesterday and am planning another for today. I’m drinking TONS of water, rather than my regular diet soda. It’s small things, and it doesn’t erase the calories and fat that I’ve been taking in. But, it’s still an improvement.

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Dear Late Night Munchies,

I have found someone else whom I think the world of, and unfortunately I think it is only fair that you and I go our seperate ways.

It’s not you. Really, it’s not. It’s me. (I know you probably don’t believe that old cliche, but the problem really is me.)

You see, I’ve been using you. I’m sorry to have to put it so bluntly, but to make this break clean I need to be honest and upfront with you. All those times I cried with you, I was leaning on you more than I should have and it just wasn’t fair to either of us.

And when we would celebrate together? I was taking that too far. You see, as a casual relationship that would be f ine. But we had taken things too far, too fast. I just am not comfortable with that anymore.

So you see, I’m afraid that our relationship needs to end. I hope that you understand. And please, don’t try to contact me. It’ll be better for both of us that way.

Remember the good times,

A Fat Girl

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